Monday, April 6, 2009
Borderline Personality Disorder BPD Symptoms
I've decided to create a separate blog to put in all my BPD stuff. There is just so much of it!
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Forgiveness
Why do we need to forgive? Because we feel anger, disappointment, hate, etc. When I feel these negative feelings, I normally can deal with it. With strangers or people I only casually know, I normally do not get too caught up in what they do, even if they piss me off. I just let it go.
However with my bpd spouse, I just really get embroiled in all these emotions. After many years, I decided to just not do things that will bring about situations that will cause me to feel these emotions. After a while you find that there is not much you can do with a BPD. However the little peace you get from this avoidance is bliss compared with the hell you get interacting with a BPD. However the BPD will not like this avoidance and start to antagonize you to get a reaction. Some of these proddings can be quite vicious.
Anyway back to the topic of forgiveness... After a while, you get into a really dark place and start to get really toxic in the cycle to anger and hate with your BPD. Not a good place to be in. I had to break the cycle. After reading an Anthony Robbins book on relationship, he said rather than give in to negative emotions, treat them as messages and make decisions on how you want to react to these messages. Essentially, you can control how you react to negative emotions. You can wallow in it, question the emotions, like are they valid?, did she mean to do it?, does she realize what she is doing?. Then also decide what you want to do about it.
At one low point recently when I was really angry and hateful. Later that night, I took ecstasy to destress (this is something I do about once or twice a month). With ecstasy, I can look at things differently. I looked at my anger and the specific situation that brought about this anger and I said to myself, "Let it go". This was one of the most peaceful and precious gift I gave myself. I just felt all the hate and anger flow away. Even after 2 weeks, with the effect of ecstasy out of my system, I still do not feel the negative emotions anymore.
I feel it was the combination of me reading the anthony robbins book plus ecstasy that helped me look at my problems with a totally different point of view. This does not solve my problems with my bpd, but it allows me not to wallow in the hate and anger.
However with my bpd spouse, I just really get embroiled in all these emotions. After many years, I decided to just not do things that will bring about situations that will cause me to feel these emotions. After a while you find that there is not much you can do with a BPD. However the little peace you get from this avoidance is bliss compared with the hell you get interacting with a BPD. However the BPD will not like this avoidance and start to antagonize you to get a reaction. Some of these proddings can be quite vicious.
Anyway back to the topic of forgiveness... After a while, you get into a really dark place and start to get really toxic in the cycle to anger and hate with your BPD. Not a good place to be in. I had to break the cycle. After reading an Anthony Robbins book on relationship, he said rather than give in to negative emotions, treat them as messages and make decisions on how you want to react to these messages. Essentially, you can control how you react to negative emotions. You can wallow in it, question the emotions, like are they valid?, did she mean to do it?, does she realize what she is doing?. Then also decide what you want to do about it.
At one low point recently when I was really angry and hateful. Later that night, I took ecstasy to destress (this is something I do about once or twice a month). With ecstasy, I can look at things differently. I looked at my anger and the specific situation that brought about this anger and I said to myself, "Let it go". This was one of the most peaceful and precious gift I gave myself. I just felt all the hate and anger flow away. Even after 2 weeks, with the effect of ecstasy out of my system, I still do not feel the negative emotions anymore.
I feel it was the combination of me reading the anthony robbins book plus ecstasy that helped me look at my problems with a totally different point of view. This does not solve my problems with my bpd, but it allows me not to wallow in the hate and anger.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Borderline Personality Disorder BPD What is it?
Wow, this is a touchy topic for me. I've lived with someone with BPD for over 20 years. She has not been formally diagnosed but nothing else I've looked at for years can explain for her behaviours except for Borderline Personality Disorder.
I will try to write about BPD from the point of view of someone living with a person with BPD. In the BPD community, this is knows as a non BPD.
(Taken from BPD wikipedia)
BPD typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood; "black and white" thinking, or "splitting"; chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self.
----------------------------
This is a very serious disorder. Many therapists refuse to treat this disorder because they almost always fail or the patient will eventually dismiss them. If you know someone with BPD, please consider breaking up with them. I know this sounds extreme but I know of no other way to deal with them. If I ever come across anyone with BPD, I will RUN!!!
Now that I have your attention, I will try to explain myself. I have lived as a non BPD for over 20 years. For many years I did not know BPD exist. I thought that I was just living with a person who had some problems due to a difficult childhood. In the early years, I had lots of patience and optimism and was willing to forego my needs in order to help out my BPD partner. As long as I wasn't critical and needy, I was an angel and the best person in the world. When I started to want a better relationship with just the most basic things like not misplacing our house keys (a few time a day), I was a BASTARD!
In my youth, I was an easy going, not very motivated person. WIth my BPD person, I was this uptight, pedantic, totally driven person. After a while I started to believe this projection plus all the other negative stuff a BPD will put onto a non BPD.
I recently read that a non BPD will eventually develop problems more serious than a BPD person because of the trauma involved in living with a BPD. Most non BPD develop PTSD, Post traumatic stress syndrome. This is normally what happened to people who are in war zones, crime victims, rape victims!!! I totally believe this. I will write more later.
I will try to write about BPD from the point of view of someone living with a person with BPD. In the BPD community, this is knows as a non BPD.
(Taken from BPD wikipedia)
BPD typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood; "black and white" thinking, or "splitting"; chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self.
----------------------------
This is a very serious disorder. Many therapists refuse to treat this disorder because they almost always fail or the patient will eventually dismiss them. If you know someone with BPD, please consider breaking up with them. I know this sounds extreme but I know of no other way to deal with them. If I ever come across anyone with BPD, I will RUN!!!
Now that I have your attention, I will try to explain myself. I have lived as a non BPD for over 20 years. For many years I did not know BPD exist. I thought that I was just living with a person who had some problems due to a difficult childhood. In the early years, I had lots of patience and optimism and was willing to forego my needs in order to help out my BPD partner. As long as I wasn't critical and needy, I was an angel and the best person in the world. When I started to want a better relationship with just the most basic things like not misplacing our house keys (a few time a day), I was a BASTARD!
In my youth, I was an easy going, not very motivated person. WIth my BPD person, I was this uptight, pedantic, totally driven person. After a while I started to believe this projection plus all the other negative stuff a BPD will put onto a non BPD.
I recently read that a non BPD will eventually develop problems more serious than a BPD person because of the trauma involved in living with a BPD. Most non BPD develop PTSD, Post traumatic stress syndrome. This is normally what happened to people who are in war zones, crime victims, rape victims!!! I totally believe this. I will write more later.
Piracetam - More info and reviews
I started taking Piracetam by buying generic versions of it.
I've read that Piracetam also comes in powder form which is really cheap. You can order it online. As far as I know there are no reports of fake piracetam.
I am starting to take choline supplements to boost the effects of Piracetam. When I first started taking Piracetam, I had mild headaches. They were like pressure at the back of head near the neck. I then found out that by taking Piracetam, you will deplete the choline in your body. So taking choline supplements like Lecithin will increase the effectiveness of Piracetam. I also found that it made me more frisky, if you know what I mean. So is it an aphrodisiac? Hmmmm,, need more experiments with it :)
- Knowful.
This is a cheaper version available in pharmacies in Malaysia. It's around RM1 per 800mg pill. - Nootropil.
This is a slightly more expensive version, also available in Malaysian pharmacies. - OGB Dexa. No brand name. Just called Piracetam. Comes in 800mg pills or 400mg capsules. This is available in pharmacies in indonesia. Very cheap. About RM0.30 per 800mg pill.
I've read that Piracetam also comes in powder form which is really cheap. You can order it online. As far as I know there are no reports of fake piracetam.
I am starting to take choline supplements to boost the effects of Piracetam. When I first started taking Piracetam, I had mild headaches. They were like pressure at the back of head near the neck. I then found out that by taking Piracetam, you will deplete the choline in your body. So taking choline supplements like Lecithin will increase the effectiveness of Piracetam. I also found that it made me more frisky, if you know what I mean. So is it an aphrodisiac? Hmmmm,, need more experiments with it :)
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Piracetam - Wonder Brain Drug
I came across this drug whilst researching another subject matter. Piracetam is a "smart/brain" drug. It enhances brain function by improving the fluidity between the left and right hemispheres of the brain. This is a good link for more info on Piracetam. Check it out.
People use Piracetam to cram for exams, improve memory, treat alcoholism, dementia and Alzheimer’s disease.
Personally, these are the benefits I get from Piracetam:
I take 800mg pills. Normally 2-3 in the morning and 1-2 in the afternoon. If I take Piracetam any later than 5pm, I find it hard to get to sleep. Initially, I was getting very vivid dreams. Short naps were fantastic! A 10 minute nap felt like a really deep 12 hour sleep.
Driving under the influence of Piracetam was also great. I could focus really well and I see so much more details on the roads like even the texture of the bitumen, details of cars around me and better reflexes. If I need to drive long distances at night, 1-2 piracetam is WAY better than 3 cups of coffee.
If I stop taking Piracetam for a day or two and I hear a "sad" song, I get quite emotional. Normally at night. It doesn't mean I'm a robot when on Piracetam. It's just that random thoughts and feelings intrude more when I am not taking Piracetam. I believe Piracetam helps me in my depression and allows me to focus on more positive thoughts and actions rather than float around in random thoughts, feelings and emotions.
Piracetam also have an effect on my visual and audio senses. I believe my eyesight is slightly better, especialy at night. I also appreciate music more, maybe being able to hear more of the details and melodies.
A friend of mine has a very hectic life with tons of things thrown at him during his workday. He gets anxiety attack when things get too much. After taking Piracetam, he finds that he can now process more information and handles them without getting anxious. My wife who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), finds that Piracetam helps her tremendously. It helps keep her wild mood swings and perceptions under control. BPD is a very insidious disorder, I will write about it another day....
People use Piracetam to cram for exams, improve memory, treat alcoholism, dementia and Alzheimer’s disease.
Personally, these are the benefits I get from Piracetam:
- Improves my memory
- Improves my attention span
- Increases my motivation
- Dont get too emotional
I take 800mg pills. Normally 2-3 in the morning and 1-2 in the afternoon. If I take Piracetam any later than 5pm, I find it hard to get to sleep. Initially, I was getting very vivid dreams. Short naps were fantastic! A 10 minute nap felt like a really deep 12 hour sleep.
Driving under the influence of Piracetam was also great. I could focus really well and I see so much more details on the roads like even the texture of the bitumen, details of cars around me and better reflexes. If I need to drive long distances at night, 1-2 piracetam is WAY better than 3 cups of coffee.
If I stop taking Piracetam for a day or two and I hear a "sad" song, I get quite emotional. Normally at night. It doesn't mean I'm a robot when on Piracetam. It's just that random thoughts and feelings intrude more when I am not taking Piracetam. I believe Piracetam helps me in my depression and allows me to focus on more positive thoughts and actions rather than float around in random thoughts, feelings and emotions.
Piracetam also have an effect on my visual and audio senses. I believe my eyesight is slightly better, especialy at night. I also appreciate music more, maybe being able to hear more of the details and melodies.
A friend of mine has a very hectic life with tons of things thrown at him during his workday. He gets anxiety attack when things get too much. After taking Piracetam, he finds that he can now process more information and handles them without getting anxious. My wife who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), finds that Piracetam helps her tremendously. It helps keep her wild mood swings and perceptions under control. BPD is a very insidious disorder, I will write about it another day....
A new start?
Life is a journey that I have not traveled well lately. Being depressed and unmotivated the last few years (quite a few actually) is not the best of situation to be in. To cut a long story, I have decided to move on with my life in a more positive direction.
Being a father of two young children also adds to my urgency. This blog will be a sort of journal for me. I actually have experienced a lot in the last few years, not good or bad, just experiences that is part of life. I will try to share my experiences, knowledge and view of life..
Being a father of two young children also adds to my urgency. This blog will be a sort of journal for me. I actually have experienced a lot in the last few years, not good or bad, just experiences that is part of life. I will try to share my experiences, knowledge and view of life..
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