You are what you think

The last 3-4 weeks, I have been exposed to lies, treachery, sadness, heartache on an extreme level. I have gone "crazy" and reacted badly in ways I never imagined I would stoop to. This is one of the most valuable lessons I have in my life to date.

I got crazy because I followed my basic instinct and just reacted and constantly ask stupid why questions. E.g., why are they doing this? why is this happening to me? why can't they see this is wrong?....

After all that, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot control or understand why people do things. I now choose to accept that people do things for reasons beyond my understanding. There is no right or wrong because I'm not in their shoes. I can only accept what they do as their right (even if what they did is hateful to me). I can only choose how I think about it. I now refuse to think in terms of stupid whys. I now choose to ask better questions like how can I learn from the situation. What good can I make out of it? How can I be a better man and choose a better path and maybe lead others out of it?

By doing this, I can direct my emotions to a better place. I now believe we can choose to hate or love, be angry or be at peace, be hurt by others or understand them, etc. It is up to me. Everything starts and end with me.

Our Subconcious Mind

Our mind is very powerful. It has an impact on us much more than we realise. It can easily affect the way we feel and even our health. A good example is the placebo effect. This is when we are given any kind of medication, if we believe in it or the doctor, it will actually help us recover even if the medication or drug is just a sugar pill. This placebo effect is so noticeable, that no drug trials are done without some sort of control subjects to cater for the placebo effect. Quite often during drug trials, the placebo drugs get better results than the actual drug tested!

Anyway I am starting to tap into my subconcious mind after reading some motivational books. It basically says, you are what you think. I believe that if you become more aware and interactive with your subconcious mind, there is a lot to be gained from it. For example, now when I am struggling with a decision, I will think about it before sleeping. Then when I wake up, somehow the answer will come to me in various form of thougts. Sometimes it may be a memory related to it, or a few possible solutions... Sometimes it even comes in different way like, I will feel like doing something else and when I do it, it has an impact on the the earlier question.

Just have faith and let it come to you... There is always an answer to all our questions.

Mindfulness

This is something that I have just come across. I've been told by a good friend that meditation is the key to happiness. I didn't quite believe or understood this. Now I'm starting to see glimpses of how it can be. This discovery come from my journey to recovery from a difficult relationship. At first it was all about getting out of depression and seeing possibilities of happiness in my life.

Then it was about controlling the negative emotions. For example, I would get upset at things that happen today, through my past experiences. Then I started to let the past go by not associating everything that happened to me in the past. Instead of saying "here we go again" when something bad happen, I would think that this was just a separate and new incident. This is difficult because we layer our life with our past experiences. So I started to see things in a positive way. I learnt that I had a choice in how I see things and that had an impact on my feelings. If something happen during the day and I view it as a negative event, my mood and attitude would be affected. However, if I saw it as a neutral or positive event, the end result would be much better. This was great! This mind shift was great for getting rid of the anger, hate and resentment. It was a huge step forward for me.

Now I am starting to discover mindfulness. It goes a step beyond. It's about looking at life beyond positive and negative. It's about experiencing the moment for what it is. Neither positive or negative, but just IT. I didnt get it at first. The Aha! moment came I came across a lecture by a tibetan monk asking, "When you are in a shower, where are you?". Most people are probably thinking about their upcoming day's events like their next meeting or shopping trip. Then you are not in the shower... Your body is, but your mind isn't. You are not enjoying your shower. You are not feeling the water running over your body. Remember the first time you had a shower in a luxury hotel or a new home? You would take the time to savour the moment. However after a hundred such shower, you will just treat it as normal and let your mind wander to other things.

We let our mind wander and dont slow down to enjoy the moment. If we can slow down and enjoy each moment, no matter what we are doing, then life is a constant joy! No matter how mundane or boring.

Magnesium - Wonder supplement?

I never used to believe in supplements and drugs to improve my life. Then again, I thought eating junk food was OK ;). After passing my 40th birthday, I started to be more conscious of my mental and physical health. At one stage I was having constant diarrhea. I thought it was just food poisoning, however the usual remedies did not stop this. After months of this (I know, I should have seen a doctor), I did some research on the net and found a suggestion that I try Magnesium. I did and the diarrhea stopped almost immediately!

I did more research about Magnesium and found out that it has lots of other benefits. Firstly, Magnesium is vital in the processing of other supplements and minerals in our body. Our diets nowadays is lacking in Magnesium because the soil nowadays do not contain much of it anymore. Most people are lacking in Magnesium. Some of the benefits of Magnesium that I have experience first hand are:

1. Diarrhea. Everytime I stop taking Magnesium for about a week, my diarrhea reappears. However taking Magnesium also makes your stool very dark and it becomes very stick and sludgy. Make sure you also take a lot of veges along with it. Now I believe I probably had IBS (irritable bowel syndrome).
   
2. Insomnia. Magnesium is a muscle relaxant. You should take it at night. It helps you relax and sleep. Not so much like a sleeping pill, just overall calmness.
3. Cramps. This really helps when you are cramping or have restless leg syndrome. I've heard that Magnesium also reduces jaw clenching and stomach muscle cramps when you take MDMA (Ecstasy).
   
4. Erectile Dysfunction. This is a new one. Lately I've not been performing as well as I want to and I've read that Magnesium is a vaso dialater, which means it helps bloodflow by dialating the blood veins. I've increased my daily dosage to 150mg (recommended daily dosage is 400mg) a day and I've found my morning hardness to have improved. Always a good sign. Placebo? I'll take anything that makes a difference :)
   

Some other reported benefits of Magnesium:

1. Headaches and migranes. My wife have had bad migranes just before her periods. She has tried everything for 20 years, from changing her pills, other medications, etc. Then she tried magnesium for a month, her migrane went away! When she forgets to take Magnesium, her migrane returns even when she is not aware she has forgotten taking it.
2. Lower blood pressure. This is a very important indicator of health. My pressure is now 120/70. Not bad for a 45 year old. No high blood pressure medication yet.

What happens when you don't have enough Magnesium?:

1. Loss of appetite
2. Nausea, vomiting, fatigue and weakness.
   
3. Numbness, tingling, muscle contractions and cramps.
4. Seizures (sudden changes in behaviors caused by excessive electrical activity in the brain).
5. Personality changes.
6. Abnormal heart rhythms and coronary spasms can also occur.

Magensium is very important to every major organs of your body especially your heart muscles and kidney. It also contributes to the absorption of most nutrients that your body needs.

Where to get magnesium? Try these:

1. Bananas
2. Nuts
3. Leafy green vegetables
4. Milk
   

Here are some good links for Magnesium... Try it, it has not much side effect apart from being dangerous is you have low blood pressure, I think. Anyway check it out and consult your doctor (this is to cover my bum legally).

NIH Fact sheet on Magnesium
University of Maryland article on Magnesium
An article linking lack of Magnesium to Asthma, ADD, Diabete, etc

You become and attract what you focus on

It's been more than a month since I last updated this blog. Lots have happened. Been listening to Anthony Robbins and Brian Tracy. They're pretty good at giving you strategies on moving forward and making the best with your life. However, even though I agree with their intentions, I found it difficult to move on. I then came across Robert Smith with his Faster EFT methods. Faster EFT is a variation of EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques). This is a fantastic method for releasing negative emotions that we all have with past memories. I will write more about this later.

Then I came across The Secret, which essentially is the law of attraction. I have found this to be quite true, not too sure about the packaging of The Secret though.

Borderline Personality Disorder BPD Symptoms

I've decided to create a separate blog to put in all my BPD stuff. There is just so much of it!

Forgiveness

Why do we need to forgive? Because we feel anger, disappointment, hate, etc. When I feel these negative feelings, I normally can deal with it. With strangers or people I only casually know, I normally do not get too caught up in what they do, even if they piss me off. I just let it go.

However with my bpd spouse, I just really get embroiled in all these emotions. After many years, I decided to just not do things that will bring about situations that will cause me to feel these emotions. After a while you find that there is not much you can do with a BPD. However the little peace you get from this avoidance is bliss compared with the hell you get interacting with a BPD. However the BPD will not like this avoidance and start to antagonize you to get a reaction. Some of these proddings can be quite vicious.

Anyway back to the topic of forgiveness... After a while, you get into a really dark place and start to get really toxic in the cycle to anger and hate with your BPD. Not a good place to be in. I had to break the cycle. After reading an Anthony Robbins book on relationship, he said rather than give in to negative emotions, treat them as messages and make decisions on how you want to react to these messages. Essentially, you can control how you react to negative emotions. You can wallow in it, question the emotions, like are they valid?, did she mean to do it?, does she realize what she is doing?. Then also decide what you want to do about it.

At one low point recently when I was really angry and hateful. Later that night, I took ecstasy to destress (this is something I do about once or twice a month). With ecstasy, I can look at things differently. I looked at my anger and the specific situation that brought about this anger and I said to myself, "Let it go". This was one of the most peaceful and precious gift I gave myself. I just felt all the hate and anger flow away. Even after 2 weeks, with the effect of ecstasy out of my system, I still do not feel the negative emotions anymore.

I feel it was the combination of me reading the anthony robbins book plus ecstasy that helped me look at my problems with a totally different point of view. This does not solve my problems with my bpd, but it allows me not to wallow in the hate and anger.

Borderline Personality Disorder BPD What is it?

Wow, this is a touchy topic for me. I've lived with someone with BPD for over 20 years. She has not been formally diagnosed but nothing else I've looked at for years can explain for her behaviours except for Borderline Personality Disorder.

I will try to write about BPD from the point of view of someone living with a person with BPD. In the BPD community, this is knows as a non BPD.

(Taken from BPD wikipedia)
BPD typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood; "black and white" thinking, or "splitting"; chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self.
----------------------------

This is a very serious disorder. Many therapists refuse to treat this disorder because they almost always fail or the patient will eventually dismiss them. If you know someone with BPD, please consider breaking up with them. I know this sounds extreme but I know of no other way to deal with them. If I ever come across anyone with BPD, I will RUN!!!

Now that I have your attention, I will try to explain myself. I have lived as a non BPD for over 20 years. For many years I did not know BPD exist. I thought that I was just living with a person who had some problems due to a difficult childhood. In the early years, I had lots of patience and optimism and was willing to forego my needs in order to help out my BPD partner. As long as I wasn't critical and needy, I was an angel and the best person in the world. When I started to want a better relationship with just the most basic things like not misplacing our house keys (a few time a day), I was a BASTARD!

In my youth, I was an easy going, not very motivated person. WIth my BPD person, I was this uptight, pedantic, totally driven person. After a while I started to believe this projection plus all the other negative stuff a BPD will put onto a non BPD.

I recently read that a non BPD will eventually develop problems more serious than a BPD person because of the trauma involved in living with a BPD. Most non BPD develop PTSD, Post traumatic stress syndrome. This is normally what happened to people who are in war zones, crime victims, rape victims!!! I totally believe this. I will write more later.

Piracetam - More info and reviews

I started taking Piracetam by buying generic versions of it.

1. Knowful.
   This is a cheaper version available in pharmacies in Malaysia. It's around RM1 per 800mg pill.
   
2. Nootropil.
   This is a slightly more expensive version, also available in Malaysian pharmacies.
   
3. OGB Dexa. No brand name. Just called Piracetam. Comes in 800mg pills or 400mg capsules. This is available in pharmacies in indonesia. Very cheap. About RM0.30 per 800mg pill.

I have found no real difference between the pills. With the OGBDexa pills, because it is so much cheaper, I am more liberal in trying different doses. I am now trying different doses like 3 800mg pills in the morning and 2 800mg pills in the afternoon.

I've read that Piracetam also comes in powder form which is really cheap. You can order it online. As far as I know there are no reports of fake piracetam.

I am starting to take choline supplements to boost the effects of Piracetam. When I first started taking Piracetam, I had mild headaches. They were like pressure at the back of head near the neck. I then found out that by taking Piracetam, you will deplete the choline in your body. So taking choline supplements like Lecithin will increase the effectiveness of Piracetam. I also found that it made me more frisky, if you know what I mean. So is it an aphrodisiac? Hmmmm,, need more experiments with it :)

Piracetam - Wonder Brain Drug

I came across this drug whilst researching another subject matter. Piracetam is a "smart/brain" drug. It enhances brain function by improving the fluidity between the left and right hemispheres of the brain. This is a good link for more info on Piracetam. Check it out.

People use Piracetam to cram for exams, improve memory, treat alcoholism, dementia and Alzheimer’s disease.

Personally, these are the benefits I get from Piracetam:

1. Improves my memory
2. Improves my attention span
3. Increases my motivation
4. Dont get too emotional

It basically is like drinking a few cups of coffee without the jitters. Most of the effects are more noticeable during the first few weeks of taking it. After a while, you get used to the effects and it is not so "wow" anymore. I sometimes forget to take it for a few days and life seems a bit duller and slower. Piracetam is not FDA approved but it is not banned in the US either. You can get it via mail order in the US and even through pharmacies in other countries.

I take 800mg pills. Normally 2-3 in the morning and 1-2 in the afternoon. If I take Piracetam any later than 5pm, I find it hard to get to sleep. Initially, I was getting very vivid dreams. Short naps were fantastic! A 10 minute nap felt like a really deep 12 hour sleep.

Driving under the influence of Piracetam was also great. I could focus really well and I see so much more details on the roads like even the texture of the bitumen, details of cars around me and better reflexes. If I need to drive long distances at night, 1-2 piracetam is WAY better than 3 cups of coffee.

If I stop taking Piracetam for a day or two and I hear a "sad" song, I get quite emotional. Normally at night. It doesn't mean I'm a robot when on Piracetam. It's just that random thoughts and feelings intrude more when I am not taking Piracetam. I believe Piracetam helps me in my depression and allows me to focus on more positive thoughts and actions rather than float around in random thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Piracetam also have an effect on my visual and audio senses. I believe my eyesight is slightly better, especialy at night. I also appreciate music more, maybe being able to hear more of the details and melodies.

A friend of mine has a very hectic life with tons of things thrown at him during his workday. He gets anxiety attack when things get too much. After taking Piracetam, he finds that he can now process more information and handles them without getting anxious. My wife who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), finds that Piracetam helps her tremendously. It helps keep her wild mood swings and perceptions under control. BPD is a very insidious disorder, I will write about it another day....

A new start?

Life is a journey that I have not traveled well lately. Being depressed and unmotivated the last few years (quite a few actually) is not the best of situation to be in. To cut a long story, I have decided to move on with my life in a more positive direction.

Being a father of two young children also adds to my urgency. This blog will be a sort of journal for me. I actually have experienced a lot in the last few years, not good or bad, just experiences that is part of life. I will try to share my experiences, knowledge and view of life..