Borderline Personality Disorder BPD Symptoms

I've decided to create a separate blog to put in all my BPD stuff. There is just so much of it!

Forgiveness

Why do we need to forgive? Because we feel anger, disappointment, hate, etc. When I feel these negative feelings, I normally can deal with it. With strangers or people I only casually know, I normally do not get too caught up in what they do, even if they piss me off. I just let it go.

However with my bpd spouse, I just really get embroiled in all these emotions. After many years, I decided to just not do things that will bring about situations that will cause me to feel these emotions. After a while you find that there is not much you can do with a BPD. However the little peace you get from this avoidance is bliss compared with the hell you get interacting with a BPD. However the BPD will not like this avoidance and start to antagonize you to get a reaction. Some of these proddings can be quite vicious.

Anyway back to the topic of forgiveness... After a while, you get into a really dark place and start to get really toxic in the cycle to anger and hate with your BPD. Not a good place to be in. I had to break the cycle. After reading an Anthony Robbins book on relationship, he said rather than give in to negative emotions, treat them as messages and make decisions on how you want to react to these messages. Essentially, you can control how you react to negative emotions. You can wallow in it, question the emotions, like are they valid?, did she mean to do it?, does she realize what she is doing?. Then also decide what you want to do about it.

At one low point recently when I was really angry and hateful. Later that night, I took ecstasy to destress (this is something I do about once or twice a month). With ecstasy, I can look at things differently. I looked at my anger and the specific situation that brought about this anger and I said to myself, "Let it go". This was one of the most peaceful and precious gift I gave myself. I just felt all the hate and anger flow away. Even after 2 weeks, with the effect of ecstasy out of my system, I still do not feel the negative emotions anymore.

I feel it was the combination of me reading the anthony robbins book plus ecstasy that helped me look at my problems with a totally different point of view. This does not solve my problems with my bpd, but it allows me not to wallow in the hate and anger.

Borderline Personality Disorder BPD What is it?

Wow, this is a touchy topic for me. I've lived with someone with BPD for over 20 years. She has not been formally diagnosed but nothing else I've looked at for years can explain for her behaviours except for Borderline Personality Disorder.

I will try to write about BPD from the point of view of someone living with a person with BPD. In the BPD community, this is knows as a non BPD.

(Taken from BPD wikipedia)
BPD typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood; "black and white" thinking, or "splitting"; chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self.
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This is a very serious disorder. Many therapists refuse to treat this disorder because they almost always fail or the patient will eventually dismiss them. If you know someone with BPD, please consider breaking up with them. I know this sounds extreme but I know of no other way to deal with them. If I ever come across anyone with BPD, I will RUN!!!

Now that I have your attention, I will try to explain myself. I have lived as a non BPD for over 20 years. For many years I did not know BPD exist. I thought that I was just living with a person who had some problems due to a difficult childhood. In the early years, I had lots of patience and optimism and was willing to forego my needs in order to help out my BPD partner. As long as I wasn't critical and needy, I was an angel and the best person in the world. When I started to want a better relationship with just the most basic things like not misplacing our house keys (a few time a day), I was a BASTARD!

In my youth, I was an easy going, not very motivated person. WIth my BPD person, I was this uptight, pedantic, totally driven person. After a while I started to believe this projection plus all the other negative stuff a BPD will put onto a non BPD.

I recently read that a non BPD will eventually develop problems more serious than a BPD person because of the trauma involved in living with a BPD. Most non BPD develop PTSD, Post traumatic stress syndrome. This is normally what happened to people who are in war zones, crime victims, rape victims!!! I totally believe this. I will write more later.

Piracetam - More info and reviews

I started taking Piracetam by buying generic versions of it.

1. Knowful.
   This is a cheaper version available in pharmacies in Malaysia. It's around RM1 per 800mg pill.
   
2. Nootropil.
   This is a slightly more expensive version, also available in Malaysian pharmacies.
   
3. OGB Dexa. No brand name. Just called Piracetam. Comes in 800mg pills or 400mg capsules. This is available in pharmacies in indonesia. Very cheap. About RM0.30 per 800mg pill.

I have found no real difference between the pills. With the OGBDexa pills, because it is so much cheaper, I am more liberal in trying different doses. I am now trying different doses like 3 800mg pills in the morning and 2 800mg pills in the afternoon.

I've read that Piracetam also comes in powder form which is really cheap. You can order it online. As far as I know there are no reports of fake piracetam.

I am starting to take choline supplements to boost the effects of Piracetam. When I first started taking Piracetam, I had mild headaches. They were like pressure at the back of head near the neck. I then found out that by taking Piracetam, you will deplete the choline in your body. So taking choline supplements like Lecithin will increase the effectiveness of Piracetam. I also found that it made me more frisky, if you know what I mean. So is it an aphrodisiac? Hmmmm,, need more experiments with it :)