Wow, this is a touchy topic for me. I've lived with someone with BPD for over 20 years. She has not been formally diagnosed but nothing else I've looked at for years can explain for her behaviours except for Borderline Personality Disorder.
I will try to write about BPD from the point of view of someone living with a person with BPD. In the BPD community, this is knows as a non BPD.
(Taken from BPD wikipedia)
BPD typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood; "black and white" thinking, or "splitting"; chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self.
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This is a very serious disorder. Many therapists refuse to treat this disorder because they almost always fail or the patient will eventually dismiss them. If you know someone with BPD, please consider breaking up with them. I know this sounds extreme but I know of no other way to deal with them. If I ever come across anyone with BPD, I will RUN!!!
Now that I have your attention, I will try to explain myself. I have lived as a non BPD for over 20 years. For many years I did not know BPD exist. I thought that I was just living with a person who had some problems due to a difficult childhood. In the early years, I had lots of patience and optimism and was willing to forego my needs in order to help out my BPD partner. As long as I wasn't critical and needy, I was an angel and the best person in the world. When I started to want a better relationship with just the most basic things like not misplacing our house keys (a few time a day), I was a BASTARD!
In my youth, I was an easy going, not very motivated person. WIth my BPD person, I was this uptight, pedantic, totally driven person. After a while I started to believe this projection plus all the other negative stuff a BPD will put onto a non BPD.
I recently read that a non BPD will eventually develop problems more serious than a BPD person because of the trauma involved in living with a BPD. Most non BPD develop PTSD, Post traumatic stress syndrome. This is normally what happened to people who are in war zones, crime victims, rape victims!!! I totally believe this. I will write more later.
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BetterMan
ReplyDeleteYour story is just like mine, except 23 years for me. There is help out there for your wife in the form of a therapy called DBT. Google it and try to find a therapist in your area who specializes in it.
Good luck
Thanks for the feedback. I am past helping my wife with BPD. She is on her own now. I don't mean it in a bad way. I just need to focus on my own recovery now. I am starting to develop BPD symptoms myself. I need to break this cycle so that we don't pass it on to our kids.
ReplyDeletei have bpd ...
ReplyDeleteI have BPD and I am actively trying to help myself so that I don't hurt anyone else, telling people to leave those with BPD is fine if you know the exact specifics of each individual case but I take it you are not a doctor nor do you have any formal training in this disorder, would you leave a child if it was born with a mental health problem, we did not choose to have this disorder and we need love and understanding just like anyone else, I do agree that if your wife is not willing to help herself then yes you did the right thing, but some of us don't want to be this way and we are trying with dbt therapy and meds I am getting better, I tell myself everyday I will overcome this debilitating disorder, I suffered so much abuse as a child that I don't remember lot of it and this is how the trauma of those events has affected my brain, I have been in horribly abusive relationships as an adult and the more studies find that those with bpd usually end up with others who have mental disorder such as narcissistic personality disorder only to perpetuate the ongoing trauma. Its sucks but once a person gets all the info and is really willing to take action in helping themselves they can get better they just have to want it bad enough and have faith that they can overcome, I hope you educate yourself a little more then your 20 years of experience has taught you cause your children will need that, dont give up hope and pray, pray pray even if your not a religious person, spirituality helps a lot. I am not going to tell you that I disagree with your blog but I am going to say that you need to word it differently and offer more education to specific cases, people do overcome this disorder, the woman that started dialectic behavior therapy is one severe case and she overcame it with flying colors, there are other case studies as well, maybe your ex wife should try the dbt along with certain meds such as a mood stabilizer, I don't know I am not a dr it is only a suggestion for options that are available, but she has to be willing and if shes not then I pray for you and your children that you do not have to suffer your own trauma any longer through her trauma, it sucks I know but please consider offering more education and not just telling people to leave, some people will take that and run with it and you don't know the situation, many of these bpd's are extremely suicidal and they have no family or even know how to get support, or even know that they have it, what your doin is dangerous for all people involved that is my opinion but I stand by that cause I know that if it werent for some of the people in my life standing by my side I may be dead right now, which I am glad Im not cause I think I can help a lot of people, including people such as yourself who are so closed minded themselves.
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