Forgiveness

Why do we need to forgive? Because we feel anger, disappointment, hate, etc. When I feel these negative feelings, I normally can deal with it. With strangers or people I only casually know, I normally do not get too caught up in what they do, even if they piss me off. I just let it go.

However with my bpd spouse, I just really get embroiled in all these emotions. After many years, I decided to just not do things that will bring about situations that will cause me to feel these emotions. After a while you find that there is not much you can do with a BPD. However the little peace you get from this avoidance is bliss compared with the hell you get interacting with a BPD. However the BPD will not like this avoidance and start to antagonize you to get a reaction. Some of these proddings can be quite vicious.

Anyway back to the topic of forgiveness... After a while, you get into a really dark place and start to get really toxic in the cycle to anger and hate with your BPD. Not a good place to be in. I had to break the cycle. After reading an Anthony Robbins book on relationship, he said rather than give in to negative emotions, treat them as messages and make decisions on how you want to react to these messages. Essentially, you can control how you react to negative emotions. You can wallow in it, question the emotions, like are they valid?, did she mean to do it?, does she realize what she is doing?. Then also decide what you want to do about it.

At one low point recently when I was really angry and hateful. Later that night, I took ecstasy to destress (this is something I do about once or twice a month). With ecstasy, I can look at things differently. I looked at my anger and the specific situation that brought about this anger and I said to myself, "Let it go". This was one of the most peaceful and precious gift I gave myself. I just felt all the hate and anger flow away. Even after 2 weeks, with the effect of ecstasy out of my system, I still do not feel the negative emotions anymore.

I feel it was the combination of me reading the anthony robbins book plus ecstasy that helped me look at my problems with a totally different point of view. This does not solve my problems with my bpd, but it allows me not to wallow in the hate and anger.

Piracetam - Wonder Brain Drug

I came across this drug whilst researching another subject matter. Piracetam is a "smart/brain" drug. It enhances brain function by improving the fluidity between the left and right hemispheres of the brain. This is a good link for more info on Piracetam. Check it out.

People use Piracetam to cram for exams, improve memory, treat alcoholism, dementia and Alzheimer’s disease.

Personally, these are the benefits I get from Piracetam:

1. Improves my memory
2. Improves my attention span
3. Increases my motivation
4. Dont get too emotional

It basically is like drinking a few cups of coffee without the jitters. Most of the effects are more noticeable during the first few weeks of taking it. After a while, you get used to the effects and it is not so "wow" anymore. I sometimes forget to take it for a few days and life seems a bit duller and slower. Piracetam is not FDA approved but it is not banned in the US either. You can get it via mail order in the US and even through pharmacies in other countries.

I take 800mg pills. Normally 2-3 in the morning and 1-2 in the afternoon. If I take Piracetam any later than 5pm, I find it hard to get to sleep. Initially, I was getting very vivid dreams. Short naps were fantastic! A 10 minute nap felt like a really deep 12 hour sleep.

Driving under the influence of Piracetam was also great. I could focus really well and I see so much more details on the roads like even the texture of the bitumen, details of cars around me and better reflexes. If I need to drive long distances at night, 1-2 piracetam is WAY better than 3 cups of coffee.

If I stop taking Piracetam for a day or two and I hear a "sad" song, I get quite emotional. Normally at night. It doesn't mean I'm a robot when on Piracetam. It's just that random thoughts and feelings intrude more when I am not taking Piracetam. I believe Piracetam helps me in my depression and allows me to focus on more positive thoughts and actions rather than float around in random thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Piracetam also have an effect on my visual and audio senses. I believe my eyesight is slightly better, especialy at night. I also appreciate music more, maybe being able to hear more of the details and melodies.

A friend of mine has a very hectic life with tons of things thrown at him during his workday. He gets anxiety attack when things get too much. After taking Piracetam, he finds that he can now process more information and handles them without getting anxious. My wife who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), finds that Piracetam helps her tremendously. It helps keep her wild mood swings and perceptions under control. BPD is a very insidious disorder, I will write about it another day....